Healing. . .
I have been on a healing journey myself for quite some time. And in the past year I got really intentional about it. I recommitted to healing myself, emotionally and spiritually and ended up experiencing some physica healing as well. There was nothing specific jumping out at me when I made the decision to focus on healing, but I had a sense that there was something there for me. I stayed open to what was there. And I did "all the things". And sooo much came to me.
Healing isn't linear. And I believe it isnt ever completely done. There is always a bit more that can be healed. And the more I grow the more ways I find to deepen my healing. It is a fascinating and challenging journey! With Intentionallity I accessed more of the layers and was able to find more deeper healing. And I am referring to things that happened in my early years and throughout my adult life. Healing looked different in different moments. Some days it was a great massage to release some of what my body was holding on to. Accupuncture helps me unravel some of the emotion that I am not aware of. There was processing and releasing shame from a recent event which triggered an old wound. And forgiveness, always forgiveness for the things that were hurtful for me, whether the person who cause it knew or not. Forgiveness for myself; for my part in the hurting, for being to hard on myself at times, or for blaming myself for things that I couldn't control.
So many different times I have had moments of realizing how far I have come and felt so proud. So happy. And I deserved it! And then in an instant, a moment strikes and I realize I forgot something important, maybe I spaced an appointment and I feel like I am failing. And I revert right back to that place I was before all the healing. The place of feeling unworthy. Not good enough.
So I take some time and see what is there, in that present moment and I allow myself some time to "be with it". And then I remember how very much I have healed, how far I have come. And I "stack the evidence" of what I know is true. And I soak that in. Here is what I know:
I have worked through, discovered and healed so much!
I am human and imperfect.
I like my imperfectness!
I have come a long way. I have learned so much.
I am willing to put in the tme and effort and discomfort of doing "hard" things.
I am self aware.
I have dreams and I am worthy of them.
I am loved and there is evidence of it in my life.
I strive to do better and am making progress.
I am strong and capable- physically, emotionally and spiritually.
And so on. . .
And after I get through all that I think of what I want most in the moment. And some days that looks like going to the gym or maybe hanging out with a friend or getting myself a treat. I do it because I like to and want to! And I deserve good things.
And later and tomorrow I will do even better. And before long I will "mess up" again but I will more quickly remember who I am and what I am about! Each time the downwared spiral is shorter. And that is how the healing continues.
Coach Cat, And So Much More!
I used to be "crazy busy". All. The. Time. I really felt that way. Any time someone asked how I was I would answer: "Busy. Crazy busy."
What that meant was that I was overwhelmed. And I wore it like a badge of honor! I had so much to do it didn't seem possible and I never got it all done. I ended every day with a list of tasks that I didn't get done. So I would go to bed already behind for the next day! As I laid my head on the pillow, I felt defeated, because I already had additions to the already impossible to do list. There were just soooo many things that I "should" get done. Each day I would try to whittle away at my "should" do list. It was endless! It became my normal. It was a vicious cycle!
One day a friend pointed out to me that I always said I was crazy busy.
It took me a minute. . . And that I realized that I somehow was feeling like it was something to be proud of. That being crazy busy was a sign of succeeding in life. But if I was succeeding, why did it feel so shitty? How had I come to accept it as normal? And even good?! It didn't feel good at all! It was almost like I was frantically swimming and not getting anywhere and barely keeping my head above water. While not drowning is a success. . .I realized that deep down, I was meant to do more than that. . . And then I wondered if I really deserved better.
And thankfully there was a voice from deep down inside me that whispered: "Of course you deserve more. So much more!"
It isn't easy to hear the whisper, at first. And it is even harder to pay attention to it. But I DECIDED I wanted to! I embarked on a path of rediscovering the best parts of me. Of giving myself permission to be more of those parts. To pay less attention to my "should" do list and more attention to the whisper that was calling to me. From deep inside me. I started to do some of the things I enjoyed, again. I decided to indulge the voice that was telling me to have some fun.
It was a voice I recognized. It was the voice of the little girl locked in a closet because she was too emotional, but who still somehow knew that parts of her were lovable. It was the 22 year old me who landed her dream job/life as a flight attendant, when everyone said I should do something "more". It was the single mom who found moments to enjoy even if meant reading in the hammock and eating a lime popsicle after the kids were in bed, instead of cleaning the house.
I believe there is a fire burning in all of us to have MORE in life. No matter what you have, if you at all dream of something more or different, that means it is possible. And you deserve it! It looks different for everyone. Your dream is the opposite of a "should" do list. An it doesn't have to be huge. And it most definitely can be.
Are you ready to admit that you are want to give up the crazy busy? Are you willing to admit you believe there has to be more possible? Are you willing to admit you want more?
In some moments for me, it looks like this:
While my sweet pups are napping beside me, I break out my good matcha and make my latte. And then I sit in the chair by the window and admire the trees blowing in the wind. I hear the sounds of the birds chirping and airplanes flying overhead. I watch the squirrels playing in the yard. The calm of the morning. . . Aaaah. And then I begin to wonder what more is possible for me today.
If you set aside the "shoulds" for a minute and listen, what do you hear? Will you choose to listen? What will you do? What do you want to do?
What if you could tune in to the whisper.? . . . We could find your spark and begin to fan the flames. It can begin with a smoldering spark. But it is in there. In YOU! Are you ready to admit it? Are you ready to create more "space"? Now is the time to reduce the crazy busy and rebuild the fire inside you.
(Here's a secret- you don't need more time and it doesn't have to take a lot of time!)
I see you! I believe in you! I am sending out so much love; limitless love!
Holidays are the best! Lots of family time! What could be better?!